Things

Why did I feel that I needed to acquire things? After decades of acquiring, I have come to realize that they don't provide the joy long-term that they provided on acquiring them. The idea that one "needs" something, and then the hunting for it; or the browsing and then seeing something and thinking one "needs" it is the exciting part. Then comes the caretaking part that we tend to forget when acquiring the object that we thought we really needed. In making many moves, I found that that object that was so important can be very tiring when one considers the need to wrap and pack it, then carry it to new "digs", then unwrapping and making room for it. Why do I continue to do it? I have heard the philosophy that acquiring is just the attempt to fill up the empty hole inside oneself. Perhaps this can apply to me. I always remember my mother working until I became a teenager. I was taken care of by various relatives, and for a time we lived next door to my grandmother. All I had to do when I came home from school was to check in and then I was alone until my mom got home from work. There were no kids around my house so I would basically stay in the house and watch TV when all that was on was mostly soap operas and old movies, all in black and white. I didn't relate well to other people and tended to stay to myself, especially since I was an only child. When I should have been looking outside myself, relating to people, I tended to be introspective. I guess "myself" couldn't provide the happiness I was seeking, so I looked to things. Things, however, can't love you back.
Time for a change.

Haunted

We just saw "An American Haunting." Lame. I am haunted by the thought that we paid good money to be shown the same things over and over. I looked over at my son once during the movie and he pretended to yawn. I did jump at the beginning of the movie, but it became old quickly. Then in the tie-up, the theory was far-fetched, I thought. I was rather surprised that Donald Sutherland and Sissy Spacek would be associated with this movie, but I guess it is hard to tell a winner from a loser when you are making it.

Have been thinking lately about carting around so much stuff in my life. What is the reason for "needing" so much stuff.? Does it really provide satisfaction in my life? The argument that one has paid good money for something does not stand up as a reason for holding on to it. The other argument that it would not be easy to replace also does not make sense unless it is something that is sentimental, loved, or really necessary. I have collected so many things for projects that only make me feel guilty that I haven't completed them. It is also interesting that I come to all these conclusions when I am away from home and all my stuff that tends to fog my judgment and clutters up my brain.

Who am I?

Here I am, in the "middle" of my life (I'm gonna be one old cadaver!), just putting one foot in front of the other. I know there is supposed to be some planning to one's life, but I guess I forgot that part and suddenly I have arrived at someplace that I never envisioned. How did it happen? When I was 18, I felt so excited for "my life" to begin, not realizing that hard work and planning was involved. The only thing I did know was that I wanted to be a wife and mother. Marriage came at 23, but my son didn't appear until almost 9 years later. Then his brother appeared 2-1/2 years later. Those boys became my life, even though it was very difficult to lose self in the care of them, but it did happen. I worked outside the home very little while they were growing up because I felt that my place was with them. Then they decided to be adults. What does a mother do now?