everyone needs a mother

yes they do.

im grateful for my mama
shes the reason for my name
in signing up for hotmail
in the choice of username
i figured out a good one
no one else had chosen yet
and it applied succinctly
i was glad that I could get
the cutesy name lavonneskid
cuz that is what i am
i like to think im still a kid
reclining in my pram

if only

Anniversaire #35

Yup, 35 years ago today, I was married for the first time. I intend to make it the only time. I made a vow which is sacrosanct. It is for eternity, not for this life only. I was told that my husband would be a noble son of God and that I would feel peace, contentment, and joy with him which would help me to know that he was my intended. All this happened and therefore, even though I didn't know him sufficiently, we were married. We talked about this the other night, how, even though we were scared with clammy hands, we knew it was right. I guess we just went on faith that it was the will of the Lord. I remember thinking, how can I be with him for eternity, when I don't know him that well? Never once did I feel that I was doing something wrong. He is a very good man (who is really cute). He goes to church every week unless he is really sick. I have never had the same dedication. When I was going with him, I liked his stability. My family was not that way. We didn't go to church all the time. His parents had been married his whole life. My mother was recently divorced from her second husband. I wanted his kind of stable life and I felt it was what I needed. Many times I have "kicked against the pricks" of my attempt at a stable life. I guess my "evil twin" does not want a stable disciplined life for me.

On to discipline. I have been mulling over choosing just one thing to work on for my new year's resolution. Maybe I will work on one item per month or quarter. I have been thinking about discipline. It is something which I have lacked for many years, maybe decades. When my children were growing up I had to sublimate myself for them and was able to be more disciplined for them. However, now that they are grown, I am tending to fall back to old habits. Maybe I truly am a child of the 60's and am reverting back to that. "If it feels good, do it." Although, I don't really do that. I have not done that. I was a virgin when married and never tried drugs. I guess I tend to dwell on my negatives and not positives. Is there a happy medium? I guess true honesty with myself would help.

I tend to think on the surface and not to delve deeply. I don't want to get hurt by feeling my emotions. I was mentioning how I don't like this one widow I know because she is always crying and he said, "She's had a rough year or so." He said, "You probably won't cry when I go." I agreed with him. Ha-Ha. I mentioned how I don't want to feel my emotions and every so often I am bombarded with news stories, or whatever, where I feel the sorrow and pain of it, like the man who was tasered to death at the Vancouver airport. This is why I don't like being around this widow, probably because I don't like thinking about the prospect of me experiencing something similar in my personal life. I told him that no doubt I would cry, but since I don't like imposing on people, I wouldn't want to impose my grief on others.

So, Happy 35th Anniversary to me. I am very blessed to have found a wonderful handsome man who is willing to put up with my ups and downs. He loves me and takes care of me. We have been blessed with two wonderful handsome sons who are very talented. When I was unmarried and no prospects in sight, there were times when I thought I might never have a husband. Then, when we were married but childless, I thought I might never experience the joys of children. Gee - maybe I should have "faith" as one of my resolutions?

I aspired for many years to be a writer, and yet I find myself not writing. What's up with that? I am also a sewer who does not sew. What does that mean? Am I a living person who does not live? What are my fears? What prevents me from living the life I could and should live? I have this theory that if I cleared out my house of all my things, I could think clearly and would suddenly be this clear-thinking and creative individual. My other person inside of me says that nothing would change and I would still not do anything but buy up more stuff to fill up my house again and then complain about not doing anything. The only psychotherapy I have had in my life is The Do It Yourself Psychotherapy Book. I think it helped me at the time. The only thing I really remember from it is to tell your secrets to someone and then it can do no harm to you. Then you will not do stuff that you would be embarrassed to have someone know about you. I don't think this would apply to not living. Would it?

I just realized something. I am writing. It feels good. However, I am so distracted, being in my sewing room/office with so much junk around. I guess I should go to a horse-supply and buy blinders. Maybe I should get glasses that only have little pinholes that would only allow a view of the computer screen. Maybe I should just stop going on about it. I think I am too caffeinated to really do anything more than flit from subject to subject. I had one big Dr. Pepper this morning and then another one at lunch. Then I had half of a big Cadbury bar. I am enjoying listening to XM online - Classical Christmas music. I think the music is helping me to feel relaxed and to focus with no blinders. I have this nagging thought, though, that I need to close and put the sheets on the bed. I took them off this morning to take to the laundromat with all the other laundry and was so tired afterward (and lazy) that I didn't put on new sheets. It's about a quarter to nine and the man of the house is going to want to get to bed soon. Skedaddle!