So much ahead of me.  Why am I listening to oldies?  Just a passing phase, perhaps.  Terrible dream last night.  I can no longer call my Mother to talk with her about it, since she no longer has a two-way telephone line into heaven :-(

I dreamed that my husband and I were fully clothed in a body of water.  I can't remember all, but it seems like we were staying afloat, waiting for something?  It seemed like a pool with a boundary.  He was a ways off from me and I was concerned with something else and not paying attention to him.  For some strange dream reason, I turned to toss a brush to him and he was on the bottom of the pool, arms outstretched, flat on his back on the bottom.  I panicked, took a breath and attempted to swim to the bottom.  I couldn't make any headway and realizing I probably couldn't do it, I realized it was a dream and decided not to go further into the storyline.  So I woke up.  I feel there is a message.  He was sleeping in his recliner since he had discomfort in bed with indigestion or his cold or something.  He couldn't figure out the reason.  I was in bed with the sound machine on and my earphone to my radio in my ear.  I had been listening to the radio before I went to bed and since it was interesting, I went to bed with the radio.  If my husband had needed me in the night, I probably would not have heard him.  Is that my message?  Am I to follow him out when he can't sleep in bed so I can be there if he needs me?  Or, is he going to die in a swimming pool?  Mother, what is the answer?  What is my message?

Pre-dementia thoughts

I applaud all the prolific bloggers out in the blogosphere. I was hesitant to even start, mostly because I like to keep all thoughts inside, where they are safe from ridicule, criticism, or even knowledge that I have them. But I find that sometimes, they just need to come out. Kind of like my firstborn son, who needed to get his music out. It was just filling up his brain and I think it kind of hurt until he got it out, so it could fill up again. So many papers, lots of little papers, filled with notes and words. He would spit them out onto paper and most of the time, the papers would then litter up his room, covering the floor, maybe to make up for the nonexistent carpet.

My mother is better now. She is recuperating and the doctor said it could take 3-6 months until she feels "normal". I wish that was the story of my life. I don't quite know, though, if there is a "normal" for me. It seems as though I am always going through something, changing, hopefully learning my lessons like I am supposed to be. Most of the time I don't learn. I just keep repeating mistakes over and over, just with minor variances.

Okay, I think I have regurgitated enough for now. I'm feeling bored with writing. So much for being a great writer. At this point, I see too many bright colors to distract me from such a discipline as writing. However, a thought just occurred to me. Instead of just letting things come out in writing, one could actually organize it. What a concept! Just like goals and plans, which I have never successfully done. I take that back. When looking over my old papers, I occasionally find goals that I have made and some of them have actually come to pass. So, O.K., I won't be so hard on myself. Why does this ************* cursor continually blink?!

Maternal Mortality

My emotions are very near the surface because of contemplating the mortality of my mother. It doesn't help that I just saw a Mormon video - "you're never alone" and now they are on the surface. My mother just underwent surgery to repair a massive hiatal hernia in which her stomach and part of her colon had pushed into her chest cavity. A wonderful surgeon, Dr. Lipham, was found for her, who has done repairs with very little reoccurence. All went well with her surgery and anesthesia and she is now in recovery. She was feeling calm and not anxious, until her anesthesiologist decided she needed to contemplate all the risks associated with her condition. She told my mother that her heart condition would never be better so she couldn't do anything to make it better before this surgery. She said that she needed to be aware that something could go wrong but that it was good that if so, it would happen in the hospital where they could do their best for her. Mother looked at me with her face all screwed up in a questioning look. Then she started feeling bad. A little after that, Dr. Benjamin Chen, who works with Dr. Lipham, came by with his happy cheerful face to get her all upbeat again. Then Dr. Lipham came over and looked very eager to get going. Thank goodness they came by to counterract that anesthesiologist's downer attitude.



She is only about 3 months into her widowhood which of course has been difficult for her to go through. This ordeal has been a distraction and she has mentioned that this would have been very difficult for Jay to go through with/for her. He would have been beside himself with worry and I think the stress might have been hard for him to go through.



Well, all's well for now. Once she gets through recovery, she will go to ICU, where she will spend the night because of her age and heart condition. Prayers have been so helpful for her. She said she really was feeling the benefits of them.

It's So Hard

I should say, "babysitting these guys", but that isn't the problem. I'm seething and full of anxiety so I figured writing here was one way to hopefully get it out so it would stop festering.

There has been a dove nest by our laundry room, rather close with lots of traffic, but she seemed ok for the most part and we saw two smaller doves, obviously her babes. This morning I looked up in the bottlebrush tree expecting to see her. No nest, no doves. It looks clean as if someone removed it, cleaned it out. I couldn't see any evidence of it in the tree or below. I saw a dove on the sidewalk and it flew on the roof. A little later, while looking all around the area, I saw a grown dove sitting in the dirt with two babes about a foot away from her, huddled together. They are on the ground, no nest. Now, since I was led to believe that my managers are sometimes on the grounds ("they can see you but you can't see them"), I'm wondering if one of them found the nest and removed it, leaving the doves to fend for themselves. That is my main thought at this time since I think if some bully-type did it, there would be evidence somewhere. One of my managers called this morning, asking how everything was and if there were any problems. I said no and she said, "no problems?" Maybe she was expecting me to say something. This is why I am seething. No respect for life. I did finally remove the two nests above the garages because there were no birds there. I wish they would have waited to do this. I pondered calling animal control, but I feel I should just trust nature. This is Friday and I don't know what will happen by Monday when the gardeners come. I also don't know exactly where the sprinklers will hit those shrubs that they are under.

The other thing bothering me is that my mother is having health problems. Apparently it is related to her hiatal hernia. Her stomach is pushing her heart. She is in extreme pain and the doctor this morning gave her a very expensive pain pill prescription. She will have to have a surgical procedure. I've always (since we have been back close to her) been able to be there when she has surgery, but now I am tied down to this job and can't always get away. I'm worried about her and upset because of this job (even though it does provide us with an apartment and a small salary).

Construction industry jobs are not providing much for those participating. Times is tough and it's hard wanting to go on. Then I read about a marine private who recently took his own life after being in Iraq for 10 days and being hazed by his fellow soldiers. Sam told me about a movie, "500 days of summer", or some such title and how one part had split screen with ideal and reality in this relationship. This is life. We are here to support each other, but we fall terribly short in this ideal.

It's times like these that make me want to go to bed so I can get up tomorrow, and hopefully things will be better? It doesn't help that it is only 3:30 p.m.!

Here's a good quote to end on to hopefully put this into perspective?
"They must often change who would be constant in happiness or wisdom."
-Confucius

On the Other Hand...

For the past month, I have had to weigh all aspects of my life now. I feel much like Tevye, who when confronted with a decision, would state some aspect of the dilemma and then he would say, "On the other hand..." I have had good and bad, pro and con, like and dislike. My life as an apartment manager is completely different from any job I have ever had. One could say motherhood is much like being an apartment manager, or vice versa. I suppose motherhood helped prepare me for this. But, on the other hand, this is not motherhood. I'm not related to these tenants.

Throughout my life I have had to deal with people and learn to be patient with them. Perhaps that has prepared me for this. On the other hand, I have been ornery with people close to me and that has prepared me for this job. I can be sweet and have a pleasing personality. I can also be stubborn and get ticked off. So, maybe I can do this job. It is a pain to live where you work when you are constantly on call. Kind of like eating lunch at your desk. However, having a comfortable home provided as part of your job when you were worried that your next home would be your car -- that is a big plus.

I want to save all the money I can so I can leave as soon as I can. On the other hand...

Humility

In asking a few days ago what I needed to learn from my trials and challenges, I heard "humility". Therefore, I've been trying to study humility so I can get over the trials! If only it were possible. I get a little successful at trying to be humble and then an uncharitable thought about another person pops into my mind and I get feeling like I'm the greatest and this other person doesn't have a clue. All I have to do is look in a mirror and I see it isn't so. I need to learn how to use the power of my spirit to overcome my worldly mind and body. There is such a big section on humility in the topical guide that I've been studying for a couple of days and haven't gotten out of Proverbs (of course with cross-referencing that just gets me off on new tangents!), but I really enjoy the Amplified Bible with all its possibilities. It adds all these extra words to "amplify" the meaning. I'm all about using a dictionary to get a better understanding of words.

I guess I got off of humility. We've been reading The Redeemer, a compilation of articles by various authors. I have gotten so uncomfortable about Jesus Christ doing so much for me, someone who is not worth all the suffering He went through. I do not like to impose on people. This I have no control over. I guess I agreed to it in the pre-existence. I think we all agreed to things about this life without really knowing what they would mean. We couldn't know until we experienced earth life. Maybe that's for the best, eh?

One insight I received yesterday about gaining humility was "service". I guess if we are busy serving others, we're thinking more of them, loving them, becoming more charitable in our thoughts and hopefully there would be less room for uncharitable thoughts.

Writing, creative or not

I chatted with my son this afternoon on facebook. The little window popped up and scared me. (Lately, everything scares me. My other son likes to slink around in the morning and scare me. My husband will suddenly appear and scare me. Is my hearing going?) Anyway, I had a nice chat with #1 son. We ended it since he was at work and I then went to hotmail to write him a more detailed message. I struggled with that email. Thinking lately for me is like reaching into a bowl of oatmeal to find one of the three raisins residing there. Where are all those words that I have learned through all the years? I know they are in there. I guess I need to go back down the neural paths more often to make them all ditches, easier to get to. How to do that? Read, study. I put things in all the time. Sometimes I can recall them and sometimes I can't quite form in words what I'm thinking. I have decided that part of the problem is that I have not practiced writing for a long time. Therefore, I am now practicing. I will say that from now on I will practice writing regularly. This is February 4, 2009. I wonder if suddenly it will be October of 2010 before I write again. Could happen unless I make it a priority, just like the other 20 priorities that I have. I'll make this brief so I don't get burned out and dread writing again. That is all...